How often have you shied away from sharing what was true for you in fear of being judged, disappointing someone else, or wanting to fit in? It could be a situation of no longer feeling like going to a pre-planned event, giving feedback on a report that wasn’t completed to standard, or what to do with a comment someone made that you didn’t like. If you’re like every human I know, this hesitancy to share your truth and what’s real for you has happened more than once.​

But what does this non-sharing of your truth get you?

An ucky pit in your stomach, a nagging feeling of regret, feeling like you aren’t that important, or perhaps being super critical of yourself. You may end up doing things you wouldn’t normally do, feeling a little ashamed or disappointed in yourself. And perhaps other times you actively decide to let it go, highlighting the needs of the other person.

When you stop sharing your personal truth with others on a consistent basis, though, you get lost. You become a shell of something that isn’t who you are, picking up ideas and values that might not really match your own. Things might get so mixed up that eventually you don’t even know who you are or what you believe in.

There’s a high level of personal respect in sharing your truth. When you voice your opinion, your ideas, your point of view, you’re saying “Hey, this is me. I’m important and I want to share myself with you.”

It helps others get to know the uniqueness and beauty of who you really are so they can see past the basic framework. It helps them to value you more and understand your needs and desires… and gives them the opportunity to decide for themselves what they’ll do with it all. They can make decisions based upon a higher level of reality instead making decisions based on misinformation or half truths. 

I’ve been in several situations where the other didn’t share their truth and it was extremely destructive. Based upon actions and words, I thought one thing, eventually finding out something completely different… usually after an investment of time, energy, and even heart. Situations like this are painful and not necessary. They don’t honor any of the relationships involved, especially the one with ourselves.

Another thing about sharing our truth is that, without knowing it, you might inspire others to think in ways they’ve never thought of before. They may come to have a totally different perspective and become excited about a new way of thinking. And even if they don’t agree with your truth, anyone who cares will be grateful for your honesty.

Truth that comes from your heart is deeply connected to your core essence. When you share it in a kind and neutral “this is it” way, with the intention of healthy connection, others are able to hear it and understand you better. It really keeps the playing field more equitable and real.

So what is your truth and how can you share it kindly with others? And remember…Be yourself. Speak your truth. You’ll be fine.

Peace to you!
Shanti

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship but sometimes it's the hardest thing to do, especially when the days are filled with busyness going in many divergent directions. It's a miracle sometimes and that 50% of marriages survive.

Since we’re not really taught how to effectively communicate in loving relationships, I thought to ask one particular successful couple I know, Mike and Fran. They're in their mid 30s, have a growing family of three, and have known each other since high school. “What's your secret relationship sauce? How do you keep it all together between family, home, work, and the community activities you support?”

It was pretty easy for Mike and Fran to answer. Mindful communication; purposeful connection, deep listening, gratitude offering, a desire to learn and be understood. They frequently stop to check in with each other beyond the householder duties and activities, supporting one another on an emotional level. Knowing that each day is different, curiosity versus assumption is the viewpoint they take.

Here's what they offered as some guidelines for healthy partner communication:

1. Set up a regular day and time (even a time everyday) where you won't be disturbed by others or feel rushed. No kids or cell phones.
2. Bring some flowers, a candle, or something beautiful to the setting, creating a space that is warm and inviting.
3. Spend a few quiet minutes just being together, letting the day go, breathing to settle into the moment. Holding hands or touching is wonderful.

Each person then takes a turn having “the floor” with uninterrupted time for the following:

1. The Sharer shares 2-3 things they appreciate and are grateful for about the other; remembrances of the things they did or said that week that were positive and nurturing. The Receiver receives these gifts of appreciation.
2. The Sharer shares one thing that was found to not feel as nurturing; perhaps an unskillful remark, action, or temperament. While we can often “let the little things go”, sometimes they fester in the background. Reconciling them with understanding has them being fully “let go”. Of importance with this sharing is that it’s communicated in a way that doesn’t instigate blame or wrongness but rather using I statements. “I felt unappreciated when your dirty clothes were all over the bedroom floor after I spent 3 hours cleaning the house.” (Note this is different than “You’re such a slob!”) The Receiver listens deeply to what is being shared without defensiveness or reactivity, trying to understand the other’s perspective.
3. The Sharer then requests support so that the suffering can be lessened or relieved. “It would really help me if you could put the dirty clothes in the hamper so that we can enjoy the clean house together. I know you want to honor my efforts and this would help me greatly.”
4. With a calm body and mind, the Receiver expresses gratitude for the sharing, curiosity if needing to learn more, and whatever they're able to support in the way of correction, understanding, or insights.
5. When the sharing is complete, a few words of gratitude are expressed before they switch roles.

Mike and Fran agree that this method of communication is not as easy in the beginning but, once the trusting connection is made, slights and misunderstandings become a lot less intense. They feel truly supported in their partnership. Time and energy well spent, on a regular basis, has enabled their relationship to thrive.

(This article initially appeared in Around Concord Magazine, Spring 2018 issue.)

Enjoy! Peace and Love,
Shanti

     A number of years ago my middle son Everett and I were on our annual camping vacation, this time up at Acadia National Park in Maine. It was a long drive and we stopped on a wooded coastal path to take a walk.
     As we walked on the paved roadside path, up ahead I saw a deer sprawled out in front of us across the path. Its head and body were completely limp against the ground and I assumed it was dead, perhaps have been struck by a passing car from the road above. We instantly stopped in our tracks and my hands went to my heart, feeling so sad and helpless for this poor deer that had lost its life so innocently. Tears started to well up in my eyes and I didn't want to move forward towards it.
     Eventually we started walking ahead and, as we did, the deer started to change. It started shape-shifting and, as we were nearly upon it, I noticed that it wasn't dead at all! It was in fact a big living tree root that had busted out of the paved pathway. Everett and I stood there deeply laughing at ourselves… but also seriously relieved.
     I tell this story because so often we look at something and we see it as something completely different than it actually is. We create stories based upon our immediate perception, not taking the time to investigate and see if our view is real. These misperceptions can drive significant emotions and actions, putting us into a state of stress, frustration, overwhelm, fear, sadness,… the whole gamut. Without checking in, slowing down, asking questions (“Is this true?”) or having “don't know” mind, we can get entangled pretty quickly.
     Mindfulness helps us sharpen our perceptual field to notice more accurately what is actually there and notice what we might not know. It offers us more authentic relationship to our experiences and supports a more cohesive engagement with life. Basically, mindfulness can shift to you from reactivity to reality.
     So if you want to “get more real”, check out the upcoming Intro to Mindfulness & Meditation class that starts Thursday April 12. Block your calendar, register, and make a plan. In the meantime, I'm always happy to have a 1-1 conversation to see how this practice can fit into your life and help you create the best life ever.
 
Peace and Love,
Shanti

     I’m sure, like me, your heart was breaking last week when you learned of the Parkland, Florida shooting. So much suffering, loss, and pain in a matter of minutes. People’s entire dreams, hopes, and aspirations… vanished. The lives of everyone involved will never be the same again and my heart wept for the families who lost loved ones and for the survivors of this traumatic event. It’s hard to imagine the magnitude of their suffering. Compassion and wishes of eventual peace were all I could seem to offer.

     I also had feelings of compassion for the shooter, so saddened that his life had so much turmoil and pain that this was the action he chose. What could possibly be behind that?! From what I’ve read, his life was filled with immense loss and tragedy.
     I realize that might seem radical, to have compassion for the perpetrator of so much devastation. It's not to excuse or justify his deadly and horrific actions or to move from the pain of the victims - not at all! -  but it had me connecting to the deeper wounds of our humanity that are behind this event. There’s so much pain and suffering in this world and at times it feels like it'll never end.

                                                            What can we do about?

     At the root, we need to reverse the level of hate and fear and replace it with love; loving ourselves, loving one another, taking care to care, not shunning the weak and lonely but seeing that they are a representation of our bigger society. Sure, this sounds pollyanna and I don't really care that it does. I feel very strongly about it and know it to be true. Nothing survives in an environment of hate, fear, loneliness, or isolation. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy, understanding, and all the prosocial emotions are what makes our lives and societies work well.
 
                                                           How do we access that?
 
     The first thing is to get clear and bring this into our heart… to feel love inside, to cultivate peace in ourselves, to be at ease in our own personal lives… all so that we might be better able to participate in and facilitate change.
      A meditation practice that cultivates this energetic peacefulness and compassion is loving-kindness. With loving-kindness meditation, we offer wishes of happiness, non-suffering, peace, and ease to groups of people: from those that we love dearly to those that we feel have caused us great suffering. We open our hearts and allow compassionate energy to flow, extending this gift that can only come from a feeling sense.
     To activate this energy in this meditation, you repeat specific phrases several time, slowly and with intention, allowing yourself to sink into what they express. As your heart opens with the feeling sense of compassion and care, you can then send it out to others.
      While you can change the phrases of this meditation, common ones that repeated are:

                             May I / you know happiness and the roots of happiness.
                         May I / you be free from suffering and the roots of suffering.
                                          May I / you be safe and free from harm.
                                          May I / you live in peace and be at ease.
 
     Spend some time and try this on yourself. Get quiet and calm, send the above wishes to yourself then slowly extend these wishes to others. It’ll add a lot of heart to your presence in the world... which will impact many. And if you’d like to listen to a guided loving-kindness meditation, click HERE .
     Thank you, thank you, for your Heart! I deeply appreciate your presence.
 
Peace and Love,
Shanti

Even though I’m writing this days ahead of the game, yes, of course the Patriots won. I have full faith (even though it nearly escaped me during the division playoffs against the Jaguars 2 weeks ago - what a game!). The Patriots are superiorly dedicated, driven, committed, and relentless in the pursuit of their passion. They take each play on its own, do what needs to be done in the moment, but also keep their sights on the overall game and how what they do now will impact that future win.. 
 
Whether you’re a football fan or not, the Patriots are an amazing inspiration to keep doing what you love and put your energy where it’s needed. Don’t mess around with shiny objects that have you flittering here and there and are certain to block your flow and collective synchronicity. They perfectly represent the acronym

                                              WIN - What’s Important Now?

Just like the Patriots, how are you WINning through your day? How are you keeping focused and attentive to that which is most important? How are you incorporating your awesomeness into the things you do, fueling your passion for that win outcome?

For me, I’ve been writing a book, every day for at least three hours. I’m creating structure in my calendar for this, lessening my distractions with focused attention, and warding off any silly “this isn’t good enough” jabber. Plus the content is super important for me to share - how to create greater ease in your busy day and make it a lifestyle shift - so my passion remains alive and well.
 
As you look at how you’re WINning your day, don’t let shiny objects grab you like a misplaced tackle or the competition throwing hissy-fits on the side-line. The game isn’t off-field. It’s right here, right now. Have mindfulness be your mascot and stick to What’s Important Now.
 
Peace,
Shanti