Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship but sometimes it's the hardest thing to do, especially when the days are filled with busyness going in many divergent directions. It's a miracle sometimes and that 50% of marriages survive.

Since we’re not really taught how to effectively communicate in loving relationships, I thought to ask one particular successful couple I know, Mike and Fran. They're in their mid 30s, have a growing family of three, and have known each other since high school. “What's your secret relationship sauce? How do you keep it all together between family, home, work, and the community activities you support?”

It was pretty easy for Mike and Fran to answer. Mindful communication; purposeful connection, deep listening, gratitude offering, a desire to learn and be understood. They frequently stop to check in with each other beyond the householder duties and activities, supporting one another on an emotional level. Knowing that each day is different, curiosity versus assumption is the viewpoint they take.

Here's what they offered as some guidelines for healthy partner communication:

1. Set up a regular day and time (even a time everyday) where you won't be disturbed by others or feel rushed. No kids or cell phones.
2. Bring some flowers, a candle, or something beautiful to the setting, creating a space that is warm and inviting.
3. Spend a few quiet minutes just being together, letting the day go, breathing to settle into the moment. Holding hands or touching is wonderful.

Each person then takes a turn having “the floor” with uninterrupted time for the following:

1. The Sharer shares 2-3 things they appreciate and are grateful for about the other; remembrances of the things they did or said that week that were positive and nurturing. The Receiver receives these gifts of appreciation.
2. The Sharer shares one thing that was found to not feel as nurturing; perhaps an unskillful remark, action, or temperament. While we can often “let the little things go”, sometimes they fester in the background. Reconciling them with understanding has them being fully “let go”. Of importance with this sharing is that it’s communicated in a way that doesn’t instigate blame or wrongness but rather using I statements. “I felt unappreciated when your dirty clothes were all over the bedroom floor after I spent 3 hours cleaning the house.” (Note this is different than “You’re such a slob!”) The Receiver listens deeply to what is being shared without defensiveness or reactivity, trying to understand the other’s perspective.
3. The Sharer then requests support so that the suffering can be lessened or relieved. “It would really help me if you could put the dirty clothes in the hamper so that we can enjoy the clean house together. I know you want to honor my efforts and this would help me greatly.”
4. With a calm body and mind, the Receiver expresses gratitude for the sharing, curiosity if needing to learn more, and whatever they're able to support in the way of correction, understanding, or insights.
5. When the sharing is complete, a few words of gratitude are expressed before they switch roles.

Mike and Fran agree that this method of communication is not as easy in the beginning but, once the trusting connection is made, slights and misunderstandings become a lot less intense. They feel truly supported in their partnership. Time and energy well spent, on a regular basis, has enabled their relationship to thrive.

(This article initially appeared in Around Concord Magazine, Spring 2018 issue.)

Enjoy! Peace and Love,
Shanti

     A number of years ago my middle son Everett and I were on our annual camping vacation, this time up at Acadia National Park in Maine. It was a long drive and we stopped on a wooded coastal path to take a walk.
     As we walked on the paved roadside path, up ahead I saw a deer sprawled out in front of us across the path. Its head and body were completely limp against the ground and I assumed it was dead, perhaps have been struck by a passing car from the road above. We instantly stopped in our tracks and my hands went to my heart, feeling so sad and helpless for this poor deer that had lost its life so innocently. Tears started to well up in my eyes and I didn't want to move forward towards it.
     Eventually we started walking ahead and, as we did, the deer started to change. It started shape-shifting and, as we were nearly upon it, I noticed that it wasn't dead at all! It was in fact a big living tree root that had busted out of the paved pathway. Everett and I stood there deeply laughing at ourselves… but also seriously relieved.
     I tell this story because so often we look at something and we see it as something completely different than it actually is. We create stories based upon our immediate perception, not taking the time to investigate and see if our view is real. These misperceptions can drive significant emotions and actions, putting us into a state of stress, frustration, overwhelm, fear, sadness,… the whole gamut. Without checking in, slowing down, asking questions (“Is this true?”) or having “don't know” mind, we can get entangled pretty quickly.
     Mindfulness helps us sharpen our perceptual field to notice more accurately what is actually there and notice what we might not know. It offers us more authentic relationship to our experiences and supports a more cohesive engagement with life. Basically, mindfulness can shift to you from reactivity to reality.
     So if you want to “get more real”, check out the upcoming Intro to Mindfulness & Meditation class that starts Thursday April 12. Block your calendar, register, and make a plan. In the meantime, I'm always happy to have a 1-1 conversation to see how this practice can fit into your life and help you create the best life ever.
 
Peace and Love,
Shanti

     I’m sure, like me, your heart was breaking last week when you learned of the Parkland, Florida shooting. So much suffering, loss, and pain in a matter of minutes. People’s entire dreams, hopes, and aspirations… vanished. The lives of everyone involved will never be the same again and my heart wept for the families who lost loved ones and for the survivors of this traumatic event. It’s hard to imagine the magnitude of their suffering. Compassion and wishes of eventual peace were all I could seem to offer.

     I also had feelings of compassion for the shooter, so saddened that his life had so much turmoil and pain that this was the action he chose. What could possibly be behind that?! From what I’ve read, his life was filled with immense loss and tragedy.
     I realize that might seem radical, to have compassion for the perpetrator of so much devastation. It's not to excuse or justify his deadly and horrific actions or to move from the pain of the victims - not at all! -  but it had me connecting to the deeper wounds of our humanity that are behind this event. There’s so much pain and suffering in this world and at times it feels like it'll never end.

                                                            What can we do about?

     At the root, we need to reverse the level of hate and fear and replace it with love; loving ourselves, loving one another, taking care to care, not shunning the weak and lonely but seeing that they are a representation of our bigger society. Sure, this sounds pollyanna and I don't really care that it does. I feel very strongly about it and know it to be true. Nothing survives in an environment of hate, fear, loneliness, or isolation. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy, understanding, and all the prosocial emotions are what makes our lives and societies work well.
 
                                                           How do we access that?
 
     The first thing is to get clear and bring this into our heart… to feel love inside, to cultivate peace in ourselves, to be at ease in our own personal lives… all so that we might be better able to participate in and facilitate change.
      A meditation practice that cultivates this energetic peacefulness and compassion is loving-kindness. With loving-kindness meditation, we offer wishes of happiness, non-suffering, peace, and ease to groups of people: from those that we love dearly to those that we feel have caused us great suffering. We open our hearts and allow compassionate energy to flow, extending this gift that can only come from a feeling sense.
     To activate this energy in this meditation, you repeat specific phrases several time, slowly and with intention, allowing yourself to sink into what they express. As your heart opens with the feeling sense of compassion and care, you can then send it out to others.
      While you can change the phrases of this meditation, common ones that repeated are:

                             May I / you know happiness and the roots of happiness.
                         May I / you be free from suffering and the roots of suffering.
                                          May I / you be safe and free from harm.
                                          May I / you live in peace and be at ease.
 
     Spend some time and try this on yourself. Get quiet and calm, send the above wishes to yourself then slowly extend these wishes to others. It’ll add a lot of heart to your presence in the world... which will impact many. And if you’d like to listen to a guided loving-kindness meditation, click HERE .
     Thank you, thank you, for your Heart! I deeply appreciate your presence.
 
Peace and Love,
Shanti

Even though I’m writing this days ahead of the game, yes, of course the Patriots won. I have full faith (even though it nearly escaped me during the division playoffs against the Jaguars 2 weeks ago - what a game!). The Patriots are superiorly dedicated, driven, committed, and relentless in the pursuit of their passion. They take each play on its own, do what needs to be done in the moment, but also keep their sights on the overall game and how what they do now will impact that future win.. 
 
Whether you’re a football fan or not, the Patriots are an amazing inspiration to keep doing what you love and put your energy where it’s needed. Don’t mess around with shiny objects that have you flittering here and there and are certain to block your flow and collective synchronicity. They perfectly represent the acronym

                                              WIN - What’s Important Now?

Just like the Patriots, how are you WINning through your day? How are you keeping focused and attentive to that which is most important? How are you incorporating your awesomeness into the things you do, fueling your passion for that win outcome?

For me, I’ve been writing a book, every day for at least three hours. I’m creating structure in my calendar for this, lessening my distractions with focused attention, and warding off any silly “this isn’t good enough” jabber. Plus the content is super important for me to share - how to create greater ease in your busy day and make it a lifestyle shift - so my passion remains alive and well.
 
As you look at how you’re WINning your day, don’t let shiny objects grab you like a misplaced tackle or the competition throwing hissy-fits on the side-line. The game isn’t off-field. It’s right here, right now. Have mindfulness be your mascot and stick to What’s Important Now.
 
Peace,
Shanti

Never Trying = Always Failing
Always Trying = Never Failing
A Fail with a Try is a Lesson Learned. It’s never a fail.

What worked? What didn’t work? How did you get off track? What factors didn’t you account for? What resources were needed that weren’t available at the time?

As we’re at the end of the first month of the new year, perhaps you’ve been looking back to see how far you’ve come on those new goals. There’s lots of questions you can ask to lay the groundwork for and encourage success. Make whatever adjustments are necessary and keep on trying, 10,000 times if it’s something that’s really important to you. Don’t give up on yourself by giving up after the first few tries. It took Edison 1,000 tries to create the lightbulb... success isn’t necessarily swift.

What brilliant things can you bring into your life with even more tries than Edison?

Sending lots of Encouragement and Peaceful Energy,
Shanti

There’ll be lots of ghosts and goblins trying to spook you tomorrow for Halloween but what are some of those fears that try to spook you on a regular day?

There are two main energies in this world: Love and Fear. Both of these are extraordinarily strong and powerful energies. Love has you feeling glittery and gleeful like Gilda the Good Witch. Fear, on the other hand, usually brings you through the depths and crevices of the haunted house of your mind. Shiver. With an imagination gone wild, you might be jumping and screaming when in fact there might be nothing there. Most of what we create in our mind actually never happens, yet we believe it to be true and react “as if” nonetheless.
 
A great way to step back and put fear into perspective is to remember it as an acronym.
False  Evidence  Appearing  Real
How can you decipher what’s real and not real? Step back and notice the level of stress and worrisome energy running through your body. Are you hyper focused and narrow or open and expansive? The body never lies.
 
Use this FEAR acronym as you navigate through your spooky days and see how you can use the brightness of Light and Love to awaken what's really there. It’s Ok if the gremlins come knocking… to your house door, not your mind door.

Lots of Peace and Treats to You,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Lovestyle Coach
8limbsHolisticHealth.com

     Do you feel like you just plow through the day, trying to get as much done as possible, then drop at the end? When you do this, do you have any reserves left or do you feel brain dead? How would it be to instead have a steady brain state as your day goes it's merry way? Pretty great, I bet.
     While the brain only accounts for 2% of our body weight it uses up 20% of our energy. When our brain is depleted, we can't think straight, don't make simple connection (math homework - not so easy), decline in working memory, reduce self-esteem and confidence, and might even have one of those silly accidents. We also become more irritable, lethargic, stressed, and have less ability to control our shiny object syndrome, squirrels included. No focus, no attention. Just fog and brain dumps.
     Want an easy fix, one that will have your whole energy system recovering as well, not just your mind? It's pretty simple... take a Brain Break. Yes, let your brain rest and refresh. Just like every other system in your body, your brain needs a break, too. Take 2-10 minutes every hour to stretch, breathe, laugh, and:

• Step away from the desk. Leave the laptop and phone behind. Trust me. They will still be there when you get back and if someone needs you, they'll come and get you.
• Stand up and stretch when you are on those long, boring "OMG get on with it!" conference calls. Get the blood flowing to excite yourself with an added benefit that the meeting might not be such a snooze after all.
• Stop sitting! Sitting creates dis-ease which we don't want to turn into disease. Periodically stand when you're on the phone or in a meeting.
• Keep hydrated with clean, not-in-a-plastic-bottle water.
• Take an extra minute to stretch and breathe when you transition from one location to another - bathroom, car, your friend's cube.
• Take longer brain breaks as the day progresses and energy systems get lower; 2 minutes early on, 5 in between, 10 later afternoon.
• Let your mind wander when you take a break. Don't focus on anything in particular; let it meander here and there. If you're trying to figure out a problem, let this happen in the background. Miraculously, it usually will.
• Get outside, walk and breathe. Nature is the best free stress reliever and natural energizer you can find.

     And for those that are saying "I don't have time."  Ya, OK.... not! Start looking at the mess you leave behind when you go go go go go. I'll tell you, it's not pretty. You might not see it because it's staring at you in the face but it will become noticeable sooner than later. So why not brake for a Brain Break before you break? 2-10 minutes is all you need. Spring is here so let your brain spring with rejuvenation and freshness.

Wishing you lots of Peace and Love,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Lovestyle Coach

Have you ever found yourself whining and stomping your feet, feeling bad for yourself about something in your life? "Whah… it’s not going my way. It’s not showing up. It’s not turning out right.” I’m sure you have. We all have. We easily and without hesitation list the 10,000 reasons why, sitting in our stew of what’s wrong. Hmp!

This isn’t to belittle our feelings of frustration to where our situation is at the moment. Instead, it’s a request to regain control of our experience and bring us a place of empowerment, not victimhood. Yes, striking words perhaps but everyday I live in my world more and more where I realize I have serious control over my experiences and how I meet and greet the world.

Last night, in conversation with a dear friend, I found myself going down my rabbit hole again. Not fully realizing it at the time, I could feel my smallness creeping back after we hung up the phone (although, interesting that none of us “hangs” up the phone anymore… but I digress). On my morning walk today, I checked in… what was that about? I’ve been working really hard at staying bright and light.

My factors for small:
~ “Impatience." Where are the results? Why aren’t they showing up? OMG, how long do I have to wait??    Expectations of immediacy are everywhere and, while my work is nothing new for me, I am reminded that we never see all the times that successful people “failed” or their lengthy growth process. We only see their gold. Not that I’m comparing myself to others but, when we are moving forward to larger greatness, we need to have mentors and models in our mindsight. It keeps us motivated and excited… at least until we are feeling small.
~ “I’m not doing enough.” - On those days where you feel you got nothing done, have you ever written down everything that you did that day? Try it. It’s amazing! You’ll never tell yourself this again. Even just getting up and showing up can be huge some days. For me, I take action every single day, every single day, on my work and my practice. Maybe that’s the key - take a mental day off. haha  Work smarter, not harder.
~ "I’m not good enough. If I was better, things would be better.” Well, total freaking BS to the first part of this meme. I know I am enough, super awesome in fact, that I have amazing wisdom, skill sets, and tools to share. The second part of that…. working on it.

Me staying in my small and constricted zone does no one any good, so I say…
Will you join me? thanks for listening.
Peace and Love,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Lovestyle Coach

I hate to ask you to do this since I prefer to lead with the positive, but this is important. As you go about your day today, notice the things you are doing that bring you no joy, that frustrate you, that you avoid with a passion, and that create lots of grumbling under or above your breath. Basically, these things are no fun at all and, if you had your way, you'd never do them again. Ever.

So why are you doing them?

Oh my gosh, I just heard some "should's" and "have to's" with a list of rationalization and reasoning behind it. "No one else can do it like I can." "It's part of my job." "That's just the way it is (defeated sigh)." "It's quicker and easier if I just do it."

Hmmmmmm.....  So let's step back for a moment.

Let's get curious about the energy you're bringing to these things? What does it feel like in your body when you do these things... tense, tight, constricted, closed down, shut off? What about your mind... hate, despair, heaviness, regret, pain, suffering, resistance? Do you feel like ripping someone's head off, screaming out loud, throwing something, or perhaps crawling into a ball with your favorite teddy bear or laying on the floor lifeless with a blank stare?

Yes, I know these reactions might seem a bit extreme but I can guarantee that you've been there at one time or another. I know I'm raising my hand. None of it feels good.

When you do these things with this energy and mind set, are you doing the job well? No, probably not. What level of service are you offering? Probably pretty crappy since there's no love (or even like) involved. So why are we still doing it and why do we feel trapped by our thinking that we are the only ones that have to do this certain thing? Where is the balance? How broad do you want your shoulders to be? How much weight can you really carry?

I'm challenging you - let the stuff that you hate to do go!

And while I'm not saying that the task doesn't need to be taken care of, there are other ways and people that can do it... maybe not as well at your level or in the same way but they can get it done. Perhaps a system of shared responsibility needs to begin so that you are not doing it all and feeling burdened by things that are actually owned by or the responsibility of someone else.

For instance, how old are your kids? Who wears their clothes? Who's doing the laundry? Who's responsibility is it when they need their clean baseball jersey for their game tomorrow and it's 9:30 at night? What level of frustration rises in you? Yes, you can lecture them that they "should have...." (which never feels good for anyone) but then, what actions are taken? Who's gathering the clothes and staying up late to make sure they are washed and ready to go the next day? Hmmmmmm.....

Or how about that report at work that you dread doing every week, that you put off until the absolute last minute, where your only focus is getting it off your desk and not the possibilities that exist in the data. Who says you are the only one that can do it? What opportunities exist for growth and development of other team members, for process streamlining, or data systematization? I'm hearing a lot of "No, it won't work" "We've tried that" talk being said right now but I invite you to gather the troops and figure out a better and different way.

And for those times where it is impossible (at least right now) for change to take place, the only other choice for your sanity and sense of freedom is to change the way you look at it. If you can't leave it, then love it. Find something empowering about the project or task, even if it's the mindset that you have control over it. It is not controlling your thoughts, emotions, or the quality of your day. Do whatever needs to get done, stop complaining, be done with it, and then move on to the next greatest thing in your life. End of story. Period.

I work with people all the time in my coaching practice who have had enough. Unfortunately many times it's come to the point of receiving a diagnosis or medication, a divorce, career change, or other life changing event. I want to encourage you not to wait. It is possible to ask for what you need and to do it in a way that maintains honor of self and others.

Personal empowerment is the way that we come to love our life in every moment, even those moments that we'd prefer not to have in front of us. We are the ones that dictate the amount of joy or suffering in our experience. Let's be the Master of Me!

Wishing you lots of Peace and Love,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Lovestyle Coach

Question... Have you ever spent a whole day just doing what you wanted to do? Not what you needed to do or thought your should do but doing only what you wanted to do. The timing of your activities was yours to govern. You didn't live by the clock or someone else's schedule, not even your dog's (sorry Suki). Each moment was filled with a steadiness, an authenticity, to what you wanted. Joy, peace, and inner harmony were the aspirations.

This is what is called a Lazy Day, a practice from my Buddhist tradition that provides unconditional care, honor, and love for self. We rest and rejuvenate, without rushing, guilt, or shame. We offer ourselves this magical gift which in turn allows us to be a more energized and stable member of our community.

Over the past few months I've been incorporating Lazy Days into my regular schedule - every other Sunday and then occasional half days. Typically it's only done once per month, at minimum once per quarter, but I'm finding the benefits are so real that I'm choosing to do more. It's a real gift to address your needs and desires without guilt, to not adhere to the pressure you feel to do "just one more thing". Why do we have such a hard time settling in and just being??

With the busyness of our life, it's easy to lose touch with the heart essence that drives us. Usually what drives us on a given day are the tasks we've laid out to take care of things, not ourselves. Hopefully in there somewhere we have self-care but even this can be laden with "musts' and "shoulds". "Get to the gym / go for that run" ,"Eat this, not that!", "Let me just look at this last email", "What's going on on Facebook?".

Lazy Days are helping me to find my voice again. What part of my authentic self wants to come out and be seen and heard? If I'm busy taking care of business without deeply stopping, I end up feeling it's business as usual. Inspiration, aspirations, freshness and a sense of being alive... how vibrant are these aspects then?

So sitting in bed for 2 hours to enjoy my coffee, feeling the lovely wrap of my blankets around me, and a good book feels really good. Suki looks at me occasionally with "is it time for us to go for our walk yet, Mommy?" and I say "No, not now. I'm happy to let you out but I'm staying right here right now." She understands. I appreciate her patience. And when I move from the bed, it's not on any timetable. In my mind the list of to-do's doesn't exist, there is no agenda for the day, I don't even look at the clock. I listen to my body and my heart to guide me to what's next after being just right here. No guilt, no shame, nothing but pure honesty and love. It's good to have me back.

How about for you? Can you try this practice on, perhaps starting with a half day or even just a few hours? It can be so interesting noticing what arises in your mind, the push and pull of the regular day, how many of your moments are not really yours. Like anything new, it will certainly feel different (if not weird), but experiment and see what you discover. I'd love to hear about your experience and you can easily share with me HERE.

Stay well, peaceful, and happy on your Lazy Day.
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Corporate Trainer
8 limbs Holistic Health, LLC