"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Do you ever put off making a change until the situation is so bad that you feel like you have no other choice, where you’ve backed yourself into a corner and are now using the intensity of the situation to finally propel you to take action?

I used to do this all the time. I would wait for things to be so terrible and ugly that I couldn’t stand it anymore. Only then would I make a change and shift in a new direction. Rock bottom had to be hit before I would rise like a phoenix and take care of myself. Somewhere in there was a warped strong-hold, my “worker ant” mentality gone awry. It also reflected my lack of self-worth and my secret belief that I didn’t deserve to be happy.

Ya, this didn’t work so well in my marriage or other relationship shifts that needed to happen. It also kept me from exploring more amicable and suitable paths of recovery and hopeful living. Thanks goodness I’ve learned to change this way go being, for myself and everyone else around me. It’s definitely made a big difference in the level of drama and trauma in my life. Now I’m more often compelled to reflect on my situation and to change things as I move along. Tweaking the small steps is a lot easier and feels a lot better than waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

How about for you? What changes have you ignored that would be really important for your happiness and that would really add value? What uncomfortableness are you still shoulder-high in… a job that’s not fulfilling, a relationship that needs a re-work, a life passion unfulfilled??

We don’t need something to go wrong in order to change. We don’t have to wait that long, for the forces of drama and trauma to invade our life and drive us to switch things up. We are each too valuable to give up on ourselves and our dreams / desires so easily. Don’t let the comfort of others keep us uncomfortable.

Need some guidance or a reflective mirror? Let me help you take charge and once again feel confident in the importance of you.

Love and peace,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Eden Energy Medicine Certified Practitioner
8 limbs Holistic Health, LLC

     “The Miracle of Mindfulness”… the miracle of showing up for your life as it is right now… noticing what’s there… in all of it’s many forms… with deep awareness and acceptance.
     You hear me say (or write) variations of this quite frequently but what is mindfulness really? While there are thousands of studies quantifying the beneficial impacts that mindfulness has on the physical and mental body, work productivity, concentration, relationships of all kinds, and overall health, and while we cognitively understand mindfulness to be present to this moment, again, what is it really?
     Stepping away from the view that it is a tool that will help us achieve greater goodness, we must, if we are to truly understand mindfulness, realize first and foremost that it’s an embodied practice. It is a state of being, not a performance enhancement too or a therapeutic technique.
     Recently I spent six days at Blue Cliff Monastery in New York with 400+ practitioners living as many moments as we were able to in mindfulness. I say “as many as” since, no matter the strength of our practice, there seems to be an ebb and flow in and out of this practice of presence. “The Miracle of Mindfulness” was the retreat’s theme, celebrating the publication of this titled book by my teacher and Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh 40 years earlier. Out of the 400 retreatants, about one-third were brand new to a retreat in the Plum Village tradition, a tradition which emphasizes integrating mindfulness into everyday normal activities and occurrences. Each moment of life is an opportunity and a gift so why not show up and be more fully aware of them?
     The retreat day begins and ends in silence - an opportunity to connect with the voice inside - and in between we are fed with nurturing practices such as mindful meals, sitting and walking meditation, working meditation, Dharma talks (teachings), and sharing from the heart. Each step along the way is an opportunity to recognize our wholesome and unwholesome mental formations (ideas, thoughts, judgments, labels), i.e. discursions that typically hold us back from an open view of possibility. As we mostly seeking to control and reformulate our surroundings, there’s a continual backdrop of mind chatter that works to unconsciously sort and categorize our experiences, pulling or pushing our mental and physical resources into all sorts of directions in an attempt to make life more to our liking. In the retreat setting we are gifted with a slower pace, making it easier to notice this habituated mind activity and to create attitudes of openness and curiosity, awakening us to the many details we miss as we busily go about our day. We have an opportunity to notice our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensations of all kinds, all aspects of ourselves that are lost in the commotion of mind and body multitasking.
     There is so much depth to the simplest of things - drinking tea or coffee, walking, bathing, picking up things, noticing a landscape, eating chocolate. How is your moment of life when you are sipping your tea in the bright sunshine? Noticing… what responsibilities are weighing heavily on your shoulders and in between your "should" blades? Can we soften our body just a smidgen and return to the tangy flavor of our tea, drinking in the refreshing elements of Nature in the tea leaves and rain clouds? How are we now?
     Each time we let ourselves open to experience what is in front of us, we capture a part of ourselves that we would otherwise have missed. We get to know what’s underneath and behind the busyness that has become our habit and, for that wonderful moment, notice the Self that is noticing the self. As we bring more and more awareness to ourselves and our experience, even if it contains pain or uncomfortableness, we can begin the journey of taking care of our true selves (behind the roles and ego) more fully. This awareness of self is the first step in healing the pains and points of suffering. From this place, understanding and then reconciliation may arrive. In this way, mindfulness is a miracle for, with the simplest of attention, we can gift ourselves the preciousness of our life.
     So try this on. For a few minutes right now, stop what you are doing and bring awareness to your breathing. You’ve been doing it all day long and it’s been supporting every action you’ve taken. As you pay attention to it, don’t do anything different to it - just leave it as it is. Now also sense your body with the breath, noticing the subtle movements of it as you breathe in and out. Staying here for a few minutes, let everything else settle down - your mind, your thoughts, your to-do’s. The only thing to do in this moment is to pay attention to yourself, breathing. Stay here and rest. Open to being and breathing. What’s there that you may have missed before? What miracle of mindfulness is yours?

Love and peace to you!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Eden Energy Medicine Certified Practitioner
8 limbs Holistic Health, LLC

How do we care for another in relationship? It’s really easy in the beginning - we’re attentive, inviting, curious, and excited. We see each others' nuances as gifts of uniqueness. Our view seeks pleasure and compatibility, noticing where we might fit in and all the things that connect. Interest permeates most communication, even as unspoken words and secret glances. Facial expressions are assayed, soon becoming landmarks of knowing.

Time creates comfort and gentle habits begin to form. Sometimes it doesn’t take long - a few months perhaps - as we gain a sense of joining. There’s togetherness in even the most basic of routines, like who will make the morning coffee or prepare dinner.

Care must be drawn as the familiar rises, however, ensuring that we don’t assume the needs or behaviors of the other. We still need to ask. We still need to clarify. Expression of self is even more important now that the honeymoon fluff is receding. There’s a real you and a real me. The mist of newness and excitement slowly dissipates with relational truth beginning to reveal itself. There is no miracle time at which takes place. It’s really just a reflection of the natural and wondrous transition to deeper connection and togetherness.

The particulate is shaped in how we transform that which attracted to remain in highest esteem. It also is shaped by our ability and willingness to express unwholesome and uncomfortable aspects which have risen in relationship. Holding back or lashing out are destructive. Peacefully exploring awarenesses of difficulties and preferences, communicating in a manner that maintains respect and safety for both, is something we are not accustomed to doing. The tools are often difficult to locate and must be sought after. It also involves a lot of risk, which some are not prepared for or desirous to pursue. Options may be many but too often the thought arises “better to leave than to deal”.

Expressing needs, identifying feelings, being heard, sharing with no judgment and only from our experience...there are few life classes for this. The rewards are innumerable, however, and can’t be matched by any standard or happiness scale. When we are able to care for and be cared for in relationship, the world seems like a different place. It’s filled with possibility, not just for the two, but for the many lives that are touched as the energy of joy is brought forward. Being able to maintain respect and honor, there is love...or at least the potential.

Peace,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

     I recently spoke at the NH Conference on Aging, What's Happening?? It's All Changing!!, and thought I'd share a few talking points. I don't think it matters if we are 90 and facing end of life changes or 9 and wondering what life will bring, we all find challenges in navigating the impermanent roots of everyday living.
     Our challenge with change is our sense of lack of control, especially if that change is initiated outside of us. Something is happening to us. We didn't choose it and it's happening anyways! This could be anything - health concerns, a new job responsibility, a teenager being a teenager, a tax that impacts our income, a schedule that won't quit. In response, emotions such as anxiety, frustration, resistance, anger, overwhelm, and worry appear. Not knowing what outcome change with create, we draw a defensive position, on guard and suspicious. Far from our process is trust, allowance, or embracing what is. Instead of responding with curiosity and openness to the possibilities inherent in change, we push back against the unknown and just want things to be as they are. We want to stay comfortable, even if what is comfortable is something we don't like. At least we know what it feels like. Think of a stagnated marriage or frustrations you have with your job or the economy.
     In actuality, though, we do have control...because we have choice. We can choose what to think, how to speak, how to engage, and what our next action steps will be. No one else is doing that for us, unless we've turned into a robot. Above all, we can choose our view. Perception guides all that we see. Like the red car syndrome, we find what we look for.  
     As we move about our day, we categorize our experiences as good or bad, like or dislike. Built from past experience and honored belief systems, this categorization helps us navigate the constant influx of information. It adds a convenience factor to our life, simplifying the range of things we look at and narrowing the scope of what receives our attention.
     This narrow and restrictive view, however, allows little room for things to show up as they are, without our slanted perception. We're so busy creating judgments of like or dislike that we don't step back to see what's really there, to make a healthy assessment, to reflect what's true for us in this moment, and to offer ourselves the chance to respond in newness.
     Change is taking place all the time and we are part of that change. Why not let ourselves get unstuck and explore with possibility? How would life unfold if we let it take shape more naturally without trying to control it all, even if it's just a conversation with our teen? 
     I understand the safety feature behind our urge to control, but reflect on how our assumptions about people or events influence how we approach them and what expectation we have of outcome (hint...red car, red car). Instead of defending ourselves against change, what would it look like if we participated with an attitude of play or curiosity, a "don't know" mind. If we let go of the fear and instead let the situation flow, we'd be in a much better place to make decisions that resonate with our heart and what we really wish for.
     The question then... how to switch our perception so we are in control of our experience? When a trigger situation arises, check in and recognize without judgment what is true for you in that moment - what emotions are present, where your thoughts are, how your body is responding, what story you're creating. Purposefully slow down, breathe to settle, and acknowledge your true core feelings and what you are really seeking. They may not be what you think they are. Anger is often a mask for fear or sadness, sarcasm and judgment a squelched desire to be loved or included. And see the situation as just that - a situation, a compilation of causes and conditions. It's not personal to you... it's just the movement of life.
     With heart-felt, judge-less honesty of what you are feeling, embrace your awareness of this as a gift, a gift which will help you to make the right, or better, decision for what is needed. Grounded and solid in your truth, you won't need to sway anyone else to agree with you or see things the same way. Other people's perception are different and that's OK. When we are solid in what's true for us, without our stressed emotions taking over, we are clear versus unskillful. In this way, flow, grace, and ease become partners with positive and proactive change.
     Take a few moments now to reflect on what you've resisted today. Step back, notice your reactions, and see if things might have shifted differently if you had been able to slow down and gain insight to your truth before engaging. Do this often. These little stopping points throughout your day can have a huge impact on your life.
     The invitation: bring in a sense of ease to any moment of change. Shift your perception to one of openness and curiosity. See what amazing things may show up. Enjoy!!

With many blessings for peaceful days,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Today, some serious questions.

     How much of your life do you spend in the “should’s”, living the beliefs systems that didn’t even originate with you? How does your perception of right and wrong guide your life when, in fact, nothing is truly right or wrong and perception is a mountain of mirrored deceptions. Can you see instead that life is made up of tiny decisions made along the way and that outcome is a result of the conditions that are ripe and available in the moment of choice?
     As I get older and likewise those around me, I often see a junction point... a place where we turn around and reflect or ask:
“Have I done what I came here to do?”
“If only THAT didn’t happen then THIS would have been possible!”
“Where am I supposed to go from here? I need XYZ to make me happy / support me / pay the bills.”
“How did I land in this place or situation and what does that mean for me in getting out?”

     Looking at our life as chronologically half over, there’s a “AHHH” moment that sort of slaps you in the face. A little panic button gets pushed as you hear the clock ticking, eyes searching around for what to do to make the rest the best. I finally understand that “mid-life crisis” that I saw “older” folks going through when I was in my twenties. I don’t like that term “crisis”, though. It can set you into a panic mode, although the starkness of my questions above do reflect a bit of anxiety... please forgive me.
     Stepping back in the choice of perception about this stage in my life, I prefer instead to see it as a wonderful opportunity to cut through the beliefs I held of what I was “supposed to do” and instead turn inside to what speaks to and honors me. With a diligent and healthy view, and lots of work to release crippling bonds to past conditioning, truly living my life may finally be mine.
     I’ve had the kids, I’ve had the work-dedicated corporate life, I’ve had the marriage and the dream house.... all those things that were supposed to make me happy and provide a fulfilling life. The kids are great so I’ll keep them, of course. The rest, not so much.  All of this is not meant as a negation or degradation of prior life but more of an awakening to the potential that exists now. With the kids grown/growing and the house established, there’s a freedom that wasn’t possible before.
     And even as I say that, I know it’s all a mental perception. It’s my choice in how I see myself and the world. Each moment I have the choice to live fully. I don't need to travel to far away places to do that. I’m not looking to escape. My desire to see new and adventurous things is just that - to experience things I’ve not experienced and to allow myself to freely adventure in ways that I wouldn’t allow myself before. The self-inflicted restrictions may have been from fear of the unknown, lack of confidence, lack of direction, too much comfort in my zone, no one to do them with, or just being tired from so much responsible “doing”.
                                                 So how do I make the next bunch of years the best ever?
     Having no regrets when I die is important. Right now there would be several. I know this sounds so bleak (and not to worry, I am healthy as I know) but sometimes you just have to think in drastic and dramatic terms. It helps wake you up.
     Lately I’ve had a lot friends and relatives going through extraordinary life events. I guess they are actually just life events but since these folks are close to me, their realities are more touching. Several completely unexpected deaths of parents, a life-changing injury for a young and vibrant man, several divorces, and long-term relationship breakdowns.
     Stepping back to get a bigger perspective, I see the value of each of these life events. They’ve created closeness that was challenging before, open and heart-based conversation, new community, and outpourings of love and gratitude. And I also see the continuum of life and how it unfolds in ways that we never expected.
     We can set our path strong and determined but it often just shows up the way it will show up. We can’t define what will happen. We can paint white stripes but can’t expect that we won’t veer across them. Each road we take brings us somewhere new and, while we may be able to see a little ways down the road, we really don’t know where it’s going. You see, we’ve never been there before. Each road is different. It’s all unchartered.
     When we drive, we have lots of options. We can stop, turn around, go left, go right... When we live fast or are on Should St or Belief Blvd, though, it’s much more difficult to stop and choose. Our GPS is on auto-pilot and doesn’t account for the fact that road conditions change along the way. Our destination is simply punched in.

     When we hit the half way point and finally stop for gas, we take a breath, look around and wonder where the heck we are. None of this is familiar and certainly doesn’t match our intended destination. “I should have been Here by now. Why am I still on this road...and I’m not even sure I want to be on this road. Is this the right road?!?!” So we stop and rest, trying not to panic, trying to let go of the anxiety we feel that we totally messed up and wasted all that time and effort driving. Perhaps we shed a few tears, writhe on the ground in frustration, throw away the (insert expletive) GPS, and hope that we can find our way.
     Trying to figure out what to do with the time we have left, how to make it the most valuable and joyous, from my perspective, comes from getting out of the car and simply walking. We walk each step with awareness, insight, patience, and love... love for ourselves and all the gifts we were offered during the initial part of the journey, even the turns that veered us off course (since now we know which way we don’t want to go!)  We slow down to listen, to reflect, to hear that inner voice that’s been calling us all along, the voice that got drowned out with all the should’s and belief systems.
     Living each step, always checking in, brings purpose and presence to what we are doing. We can notice where we get jammed up in perceptual and sensory habits and then work to let them go. While we don’t know exactly where life will lead, that’s OK. Being more aware of each step that we take right now creates a Path of Consciousness. It will be our road with a clearer view and fewer detours. And none of this means that it will all be sweet, fancy, or feel good all the time. It just means that we need to show up for our life, to live as completely as we can, from the Heart.
     So make and fulfill the bucket list: see parts of the world yet unexplored, go sky diving, hike the mountain range, pick wine grapes, go to Bali, volunteer for a month with Habitat for Humanity, start a volunteer organization, write that book. Do whatever your heart calls you to. And make sure to stay out of your head and the should’s it produces. Thank the mind for the reminder of how things used to be but then travel back to your essence and what your heart is showing you. Love as much as you can!! Let your bumper sticker say FEARLESS - my personal word for truly living life!!! And cherish each of the moments we are offered.
     Let’s explore this together. What are your thoughts, views, experiences, challenge and choice points? Share here or in private. None of us is doing this alone. Why make it seems like we are?

In Gratitude,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Third Agreement - Don’t Make Assumptions

There’s a reason why the saying is that making an assumption makes an A** out of U and ME - because it does!


Whenever we assume, we are believing something we do not know to be true. We are entrenched in a World of Lie that our mind has made up, using this false and deceptive foundation to foster even more suffering for ourselves and others.

How many times have you assumed something, reacted with emotions that drove action, and then found out later that you were completely wrong in your initial assumption? We’ve all done it... and probably continue to do so to some degree, at least unconsciously. Think about all the energy you expended, how much drama and trauma was created based upon this assumption. When reality hit and showed us the depth of how much we were caught up by our own doing, most likely regret, guilt, and shame arrived... the hangovers from our misguided beliefs. It’s exhausting and painful all the way around...but also a good lesson and one to remember.

Do you recall an assumption you’ve made? What was the difference between what you thought and reality? What would have changed if you were clear on the truth to begin with? How would it have changed the things that happened next?

So why do we make assumptions? And how to not make an assumption?

~ Stop, ask questions, reflect back what you think the other person said, clarify, and continue this same process until you understand. And if you feel shy about asking for clarification, think forward to the ramifications of not really knowing the situation or facts.

~ Be clear and complete in your communication. If you sense a misstep, backtrack to correct and clarify. Just as we assume, others do as well so help them out (and the whole situation)

~ One of the reasons we assume is to fill in the gaps of missing information. Sometimes we aren’t given all the details of a situation - whether known or unknown. It can make us feel too vulnerable to not know everything, to not have all the answers, or to be able to see the whole picture. Filling in the gaps with pieces that make the puzzle more complete from our perspective helps to reduce our stress, anxiety, and worry response. It can make us feel safe and more in control.

~ We assume that everyone sees life as we do. Thus, the pieces of the puzzle that we use to fill the gaps often reflect what we would do. This also factors into us being confused and hurt when others don’t act as we would, i.e. our assumption of what “should” be done.

~ Allow others to be themselves, decide with freewill, and to know what is best for them (which may be very different than what we would do, want, or advise).

~ We assume others know what we think or feel, especially if they are in our life for a long period of time or we’ve “explained” ourselves to them a lot. “Shouldn’t my husband know XYZ about me?” Wrong. Make sure communication is clear no matter what. It shows respect for the relationship.

Take some time today and reflect on some of the causes and conditions listed above. Notice what happens in your life and how you work with assumptions in your daily life.

Please share your comments, questions, ideas, reflections, etc.

Peace to All!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Second Agreement Continued - DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

It’s interesting to change our perspective in how we look at this Agreement. Most of the time we think of not taking things personally because they create pain and suffering. We put up a mental barrier so that we remain safe. But what about when we are complimented, when someone says something nice to us? What do we do then?

Here are 3 possible scenarios of what might happen when someone compliments you, on your great smile, for instance. Notice if any of these resonate true for you.

1) Our ego gets inflated. We become more self-involved with thoughts of how great/nice/sweet we are.  
“Yes, I do have a great smile... and a lot of others things as well. I am pretty cute and I work out so I look really great. (pretty fancy pride on self) When I go into that meeting room, I feel like I can take over. Everyone listens to me - I command. I love that feeling!”
Shoulders stand tall, head is held high, a little swagger in our step.

2) We don’t believe them... that what they are saying is true or that they are being honest. We may question their motivation and be suspicious. We may also engage further with our self criticism, having a personal sensitivity touched.
“Why does she say I have a nice smile? Does she notice that I don’t smile very often? I don’t seem happy a lot. Ugh! Does everyone really know? Geez, I can’t stand myself...”
Our head may hang low, shoulders hunched, mind dwelling in unhealthy places.

3) We acknowledge their words with appreciation but don’t mentally do anything with it. We smile back, thank them, and continue with our day. We don’t let their compliment propel us to ‘Love Me Land’ or beat us down to ‘Depths of Hell’. We appreciate their words and attention and then move on. Being secure enough in ourselves to not need the attention of another, the impact to who and how we are is minimal.

Notice which response you identified with - or perhaps a mix. Was any of this tied to how you might have felt about yourself in that moment. If you are feeling secure in yourself, would you respond differently than if you had a tough day?

There’s an element of attachment that can be found when someone says something pleasant, something we like and might want more of. Adding to our pride, building our ego, seeing ourselves as more unique or special can all be fed by this Glee Grasping. Some days it’s just a relief to be seen. Since our mind typically wanders into self-criticism so easily and for more of the day than we would like, it can feel really good when we are noticed or seen positively. There’s nothing wrong with that. The tricky part is what we do with that compliment and how we can misuse it.

The third choice above is what Don Miguel is asking that we do - that we stay neutral, regardless of what another says or does. If we are steady and sturdy in who we are, there’s no need to take on the reflection from another to determine that. If our strength is based on Love, especially self-love, we are free. We are free from the complications and dependency on others to create our identity and our worth. We can trust ourselves to live strong no matter what the circumstance, love ourselves and others as they are, and make responsible choices in how we live and act in this world.

Please share your comments, questions, ideas, reflections, etc.

Peace to All!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007