Getting through the weird mid-week holidays and into January, this awesomeness continued. And then I faced something I didn't want to do but previously committed myself to. Even though I was getting a huge nag to change the committed plan, I stuck with it… but it cost me a lot of energy and willpower and totally took me out of flow. And then I got sick, really sick. Laid up in bed for with the flu for five days, recovery still slowly lingering.
During the time that I was sick, there was no energy available to entertain my mind. It was all I could do to maintain awareness of my body, supporting its healing. So I have to smile that the mend begins when the mind comes in… although that is really quite the opposite of what happened.
Instead of my mind being my champion, it was the most disruptive unhealthy part of me. It was like the gremlins got together while I was “unconscious” for so many days and decided to attack when things started to get better. Every nook and cranny of how bad and wrong and insignificant and unworthy of greatness I might be was busting out at the seams. The flu was nasty enough but this mindset? How can I be doing this to myself? I'm in the practice of self-love, self-care, and self compassion. Where was it for me?
Of course I didn't have the energy to fight with my mind. It was hard enough trying to walk up and down the stairs. So here I was, face-to-face with the Gremlins of Dark. What to do?
Since I was already laying down, it was natural just to have my gremlins lay down next to me. What are you really trying to say to me? What's your real message? Hopefully somewhere in there you're trying to inspire me… what insights can I draw from your criticisms? What are you hoping that I'll do differently in my life? And who invited you into this room, anyways? Do I want you here? Do I need you here?
It's easy to get lost in the fear mind, in the old tapes we play, the ones that have been playing for decades about how we're not as good as we think we are and we'll never make it the way we really want to make it. Even after decades of work, we might ask ourselves "is any of that true?"
Laying there with my fear, it was true… from my fear’s perspective. But it wasn't true from my heart’s perspective.
My heart is deeply and directly connected to my basic goodness and the all the ways I want to make this world a better and more loving place. I have so much to offer and, while I’m not always showing up as fully as I’d like, I'm working on it. Every day I head a little bit more in that direction. I help people through my coaching practice, supporting others to connect with their possibilities and worthiness. I share a lot of skills with business organizations throughout the world, helping team members have a little bit more ease and balance in their jam-packed days. And I provide a safe place for people to share themselves, to be seen and heard.
All I can give to my life is a chance, to optimize as best I can every moment that I'm given. Am I 100% “on” all the time? Absolutely not. But identifying more “on” than “off” and celebrating that keeps the spiral moving upward. Sure, the gremlins are going to be right there but maybe they'll be a little bit quieter if they can lay down next me instead of screaming in my face.
Reminders and learnings? Plenty:
1) Honor the inner message of NO.
2) A low-resourced body = a low-resourced mind (more on this next time).
3) Just because you think it certainly doesn't make it true.
4) Emotions are to be understood, not feared.
Peace and Love to you,
P.S. You might be wondering why I share these stories of myself so often. Isn't that a backwards thing for a coach to do? Where's the rah-rah and inspiration? Well, first of all, coaching isn't about being a blind cheerleader. It's about getting real with the ins and outs, the pushes and pulls, that we're presented with on a regular basis. I see my life experience reflective of and rooted in our shared humanity. If I can't be real with my shenanigans, how can I possibly support you to be real with yours? And somewhere within that I hope it's inspiring. Thanks for being in my world.