Third Agreement - Don’t Make Assumptions

There’s a reason why the saying is that making an assumption makes an A** out of U and ME - because it does!


Whenever we assume, we are believing something we do not know to be true. We are entrenched in a World of Lie that our mind has made up, using this false and deceptive foundation to foster even more suffering for ourselves and others.

How many times have you assumed something, reacted with emotions that drove action, and then found out later that you were completely wrong in your initial assumption? We’ve all done it... and probably continue to do so to some degree, at least unconsciously. Think about all the energy you expended, how much drama and trauma was created based upon this assumption. When reality hit and showed us the depth of how much we were caught up by our own doing, most likely regret, guilt, and shame arrived... the hangovers from our misguided beliefs. It’s exhausting and painful all the way around...but also a good lesson and one to remember.

Do you recall an assumption you’ve made? What was the difference between what you thought and reality? What would have changed if you were clear on the truth to begin with? How would it have changed the things that happened next?

So why do we make assumptions? And how to not make an assumption?

~ Stop, ask questions, reflect back what you think the other person said, clarify, and continue this same process until you understand. And if you feel shy about asking for clarification, think forward to the ramifications of not really knowing the situation or facts.

~ Be clear and complete in your communication. If you sense a misstep, backtrack to correct and clarify. Just as we assume, others do as well so help them out (and the whole situation)

~ One of the reasons we assume is to fill in the gaps of missing information. Sometimes we aren’t given all the details of a situation - whether known or unknown. It can make us feel too vulnerable to not know everything, to not have all the answers, or to be able to see the whole picture. Filling in the gaps with pieces that make the puzzle more complete from our perspective helps to reduce our stress, anxiety, and worry response. It can make us feel safe and more in control.

~ We assume that everyone sees life as we do. Thus, the pieces of the puzzle that we use to fill the gaps often reflect what we would do. This also factors into us being confused and hurt when others don’t act as we would, i.e. our assumption of what “should” be done.

~ Allow others to be themselves, decide with freewill, and to know what is best for them (which may be very different than what we would do, want, or advise).

~ We assume others know what we think or feel, especially if they are in our life for a long period of time or we’ve “explained” ourselves to them a lot. “Shouldn’t my husband know XYZ about me?” Wrong. Make sure communication is clear no matter what. It shows respect for the relationship.

Take some time today and reflect on some of the causes and conditions listed above. Notice what happens in your life and how you work with assumptions in your daily life.

Please share your comments, questions, ideas, reflections, etc.

Peace to All!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Second Agreement Continued - DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

It’s interesting to change our perspective in how we look at this Agreement. Most of the time we think of not taking things personally because they create pain and suffering. We put up a mental barrier so that we remain safe. But what about when we are complimented, when someone says something nice to us? What do we do then?

Here are 3 possible scenarios of what might happen when someone compliments you, on your great smile, for instance. Notice if any of these resonate true for you.

1) Our ego gets inflated. We become more self-involved with thoughts of how great/nice/sweet we are.  
“Yes, I do have a great smile... and a lot of others things as well. I am pretty cute and I work out so I look really great. (pretty fancy pride on self) When I go into that meeting room, I feel like I can take over. Everyone listens to me - I command. I love that feeling!”
Shoulders stand tall, head is held high, a little swagger in our step.

2) We don’t believe them... that what they are saying is true or that they are being honest. We may question their motivation and be suspicious. We may also engage further with our self criticism, having a personal sensitivity touched.
“Why does she say I have a nice smile? Does she notice that I don’t smile very often? I don’t seem happy a lot. Ugh! Does everyone really know? Geez, I can’t stand myself...”
Our head may hang low, shoulders hunched, mind dwelling in unhealthy places.

3) We acknowledge their words with appreciation but don’t mentally do anything with it. We smile back, thank them, and continue with our day. We don’t let their compliment propel us to ‘Love Me Land’ or beat us down to ‘Depths of Hell’. We appreciate their words and attention and then move on. Being secure enough in ourselves to not need the attention of another, the impact to who and how we are is minimal.

Notice which response you identified with - or perhaps a mix. Was any of this tied to how you might have felt about yourself in that moment. If you are feeling secure in yourself, would you respond differently than if you had a tough day?

There’s an element of attachment that can be found when someone says something pleasant, something we like and might want more of. Adding to our pride, building our ego, seeing ourselves as more unique or special can all be fed by this Glee Grasping. Some days it’s just a relief to be seen. Since our mind typically wanders into self-criticism so easily and for more of the day than we would like, it can feel really good when we are noticed or seen positively. There’s nothing wrong with that. The tricky part is what we do with that compliment and how we can misuse it.

The third choice above is what Don Miguel is asking that we do - that we stay neutral, regardless of what another says or does. If we are steady and sturdy in who we are, there’s no need to take on the reflection from another to determine that. If our strength is based on Love, especially self-love, we are free. We are free from the complications and dependency on others to create our identity and our worth. We can trust ourselves to live strong no matter what the circumstance, love ourselves and others as they are, and make responsible choices in how we live and act in this world.

Please share your comments, questions, ideas, reflections, etc.

Peace to All!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Continuing on with our review and discussion of The Four Agreements, Don Miguel says that “personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’ ”. Given how much ‘me’ is central to our thought patterns, actions, and energy consumption, it’s natural for us to walk around thinking that others are as thought-provoked about us as we are. We see ourselves as central... why wouldn’t they?!? Talk about ego-centric humanity!! :)

Busting the Dream, people are mostly involved in thoughts of themselves - same as we are. It goes to follow, then, that rarely what another does or says is truly because of us. At the root is their own needs, wants, and desires - to support, serve, escape pain and suffering, control their circumstance, etc. We are all driven by a selfish nature of sorts, needed to survive and create our life as we wish it to be. In order to create our life, no matter what that looks like, we need to be in central focus.

When we take things personally, we agree with what the other person is saying. We give up our personal power to their views, to their experience, to how they see the world. When we take things personally, it’s an indication that another has triggered a self-doubt in us. If we truly didn’t believe, we wouldn’t pay attention.

For example, perhaps we’ve been working on being more open and sensitive to other’s views. If someone is curt with us and using defensive body language, our sensitivity may be triggered. Even though in reality this person just got out of a lousy meeting and was still perturbed, we take their tone and posture as something we generated. Our inability to be “open and sensitive” sparked this reaction in them. Its our fault. This is what we think - WRONG!

When we can be clear and solid within ourselves, this won’t happen. We’ll know it’s not us. We’ve been working hard and have awareness of ourselves, know that we’ve doing the right thing, making sure to check in with tone, phrasing, posture, etc. We can then let the engaged experience be as it is and not transfer another’s challenges to our psyche.

Stepping back and remembering that what another is doing or saying has nothing to do with us gives is the power to reframe our view of their actions. We can see that their unskillfulness is only an expression of their attempt to resolve their uncomfortableness. We are all unskillful at times, heated in the moment, or too frazzled to handle thing as we would prefer. Wouldn’t it be nice if the person on the receiving end didn’t take our moments of unskillfulness personally? We can offer the same thing and, in the process, help ourselves and our relationship with them.

This Second Agreement is a great reminder that we are in control of what impacts us. We can own our experiences. We are in charge.  Remember we are all mirrors... others are no different. Don’t take on their mirror. Don’t take it personally.

What are some of the ways that you take things personally?  Can you share situations that created suffering and that you’ve later discovered you interpreted completely wrong? How did this change you future view of situations?
 Feel free to leave comments here or follow this event on our Facebook business page.

Stay in Peace!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

There are a lot of emotions, drama, and trauma that can be attached to words. With each person having their own history of what certain words mean or how they can activate emotional triggers, it can be a tricky situation to have a clear conversation. Things can get muddled pretty easily. And, as our intention in having dialogue is to express our point of view, it’s easy to understand why communication can sometimes be challenging.

There’s a hidden component within ‘impeccability of words’ - to do our very best to communicate in a way that can be heard and understood... skillful communication. There are only a few communication classes offered - and the ones most of use have attended have been free and at home. In the cycle of learning, how well were our teachers taught?

For clear and competent communication, we need to be present, calm, and attentive. In the best of situations, both parties are. In my Buddhist tradition, Mindful Deep Listening and Loving Speech are important aspects of clear communication (more on Peace Practice page, scroll down to Communication)

Listening with our whole body - all of our senses, all aspects of our attention - and not thinking of what we will say next or when the right time to interject our rationale are all part of Deep Listening. We listen to learn, to understand, to offer the space for others to communicate from their heart. Even if we do not agree with the person or what they are saying, Deep Listening promotes understanding and compassion. This helps to know more fully their situation and circumstance, breaking down the barriers that create discrimination and separation.

Loving Speech is talking by using “I” statements and expressing only our experience. We do not comment on what the other person has “done to us” but instead share our personal experience. We are honest and fair in our communication, sharing with the intention of creating healthy relationship. Loving Speech arrives from contemplation of how we are feeling, the conditions that arose to produce those feelings, and a reflection of how we reacted or responded.

In all of this, it’s important to take responsibility for what we say, don’t say, how we say it. Always coming back to our intention is important, especially when the energy seems to be getting heated or excited, when we are getting lost in thought of what’s next, or directing too heavily towards our agenda. Healthy communication requires patience, peace, and mindful awareness of the impact to all. It requires openness, solidity, insight, and personal responsibility.

Bidding all of you peace and healthy, authentic communication today.
Peace!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

In the First Agreement, Don Miguel instructs us to be “impeccable” with our words. What does that mean? A few definitions from Dictionary.com are “faultless; flawless; irreproachable, not capable of sin”. I would add as well “honest, truthful, clear without agenda”. How often do any of those really represent our communication?

Usually our words are a means to an end - trying to get something we need, reorganizing perception, influencing another, etc. Our need to control our circumstance (and thus those around us), to blame, shame, judge, or label, are all exhibited with words. Master Manipulators, those that twist everything into something different for their own benefit, are experts at word misuse and abuse. Creating chaos, confusion, and separation are easy for them. And I’m not just talking in your local neighborly relations... look at government entities around the world.

On a more essential level, though, Don Miguel is asking us to look deeply at ourselves and to realize that our essence is mirrored in our communication. How much we love or hate ourselves, our intention of Self, is reflected back when we interact with others. Impeccability is taking responsibility for our actions and understanding that it is not simply words or a message that we are conveying when we speak, but who we are, at least in that moment. Impeccability is knowing, with action, that what we put out is a direct inner reflection.

If I call you ugly, while your feelings may be hurt with those words, I am actually hurting myself even more because I am infused with the negative energy of the negative words. My body and brain feel twisted, consumed by ugliness, spite, hatred, despise. My words reflect me. Likewise, if I tell you that you are beautiful, I am infusing the energy of that beauty. It feels good. I feel good. I feel light, warm, joyful, and fresh.

Take a moment to reflect on how you feel when expressing yourself negatively and positively. Do you notice a direct relationship to who and how you are in that moment?

As for the person on the receiving end of our communication, it is up to them to be impacted, to take our words as truth. We only have an impact if they take our word as truth and allow that impact to happen. If they love themselves and think they are beautiful, you calling them ugly will do no harm. They know it’s not true so will not be impacted by your words. It’s important to take responsibility for what we believe and to decide whether there is truth and core honesty in our belief systems. If what we see doesn't work, it’s up to us to start believing new things that support us and make us feel whole.

Being impeccable with words is the correct use of your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself. If we love ourselves, why speak words that create suffering or disharmony? And why take on someone else’s poison by listening and believing what they have to say about us? Do we really think that others know us better than ourselves? Do we value what others have to say more than we value ourselves?

Self-love is the basis for happiness anywhere in the world. If we can not love ourselves, we can love no other. We must respect and nurture the wonderful Being that we are, wherever we are on our Path. Make your life judgment-less, starting with your own mirror.

Much Peace and Gratitude,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007