Third Agreement - Don’t Make Assumptions

There’s a reason why the saying is that making an assumption makes an A** out of U and ME - because it does!


Whenever we assume, we are believing something we do not know to be true. We are entrenched in a World of Lie that our mind has made up, using this false and deceptive foundation to foster even more suffering for ourselves and others.

How many times have you assumed something, reacted with emotions that drove action, and then found out later that you were completely wrong in your initial assumption? We’ve all done it... and probably continue to do so to some degree, at least unconsciously. Think about all the energy you expended, how much drama and trauma was created based upon this assumption. When reality hit and showed us the depth of how much we were caught up by our own doing, most likely regret, guilt, and shame arrived... the hangovers from our misguided beliefs. It’s exhausting and painful all the way around...but also a good lesson and one to remember.

Do you recall an assumption you’ve made? What was the difference between what you thought and reality? What would have changed if you were clear on the truth to begin with? How would it have changed the things that happened next?

So why do we make assumptions? And how to not make an assumption?

~ Stop, ask questions, reflect back what you think the other person said, clarify, and continue this same process until you understand. And if you feel shy about asking for clarification, think forward to the ramifications of not really knowing the situation or facts.

~ Be clear and complete in your communication. If you sense a misstep, backtrack to correct and clarify. Just as we assume, others do as well so help them out (and the whole situation)

~ One of the reasons we assume is to fill in the gaps of missing information. Sometimes we aren’t given all the details of a situation - whether known or unknown. It can make us feel too vulnerable to not know everything, to not have all the answers, or to be able to see the whole picture. Filling in the gaps with pieces that make the puzzle more complete from our perspective helps to reduce our stress, anxiety, and worry response. It can make us feel safe and more in control.

~ We assume that everyone sees life as we do. Thus, the pieces of the puzzle that we use to fill the gaps often reflect what we would do. This also factors into us being confused and hurt when others don’t act as we would, i.e. our assumption of what “should” be done.

~ Allow others to be themselves, decide with freewill, and to know what is best for them (which may be very different than what we would do, want, or advise).

~ We assume others know what we think or feel, especially if they are in our life for a long period of time or we’ve “explained” ourselves to them a lot. “Shouldn’t my husband know XYZ about me?” Wrong. Make sure communication is clear no matter what. It shows respect for the relationship.

Take some time today and reflect on some of the causes and conditions listed above. Notice what happens in your life and how you work with assumptions in your daily life.

Please share your comments, questions, ideas, reflections, etc.

Peace to All!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Second Agreement Continued - DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

It’s interesting to change our perspective in how we look at this Agreement. Most of the time we think of not taking things personally because they create pain and suffering. We put up a mental barrier so that we remain safe. But what about when we are complimented, when someone says something nice to us? What do we do then?

Here are 3 possible scenarios of what might happen when someone compliments you, on your great smile, for instance. Notice if any of these resonate true for you.

1) Our ego gets inflated. We become more self-involved with thoughts of how great/nice/sweet we are.  
“Yes, I do have a great smile... and a lot of others things as well. I am pretty cute and I work out so I look really great. (pretty fancy pride on self) When I go into that meeting room, I feel like I can take over. Everyone listens to me - I command. I love that feeling!”
Shoulders stand tall, head is held high, a little swagger in our step.

2) We don’t believe them... that what they are saying is true or that they are being honest. We may question their motivation and be suspicious. We may also engage further with our self criticism, having a personal sensitivity touched.
“Why does she say I have a nice smile? Does she notice that I don’t smile very often? I don’t seem happy a lot. Ugh! Does everyone really know? Geez, I can’t stand myself...”
Our head may hang low, shoulders hunched, mind dwelling in unhealthy places.

3) We acknowledge their words with appreciation but don’t mentally do anything with it. We smile back, thank them, and continue with our day. We don’t let their compliment propel us to ‘Love Me Land’ or beat us down to ‘Depths of Hell’. We appreciate their words and attention and then move on. Being secure enough in ourselves to not need the attention of another, the impact to who and how we are is minimal.

Notice which response you identified with - or perhaps a mix. Was any of this tied to how you might have felt about yourself in that moment. If you are feeling secure in yourself, would you respond differently than if you had a tough day?

There’s an element of attachment that can be found when someone says something pleasant, something we like and might want more of. Adding to our pride, building our ego, seeing ourselves as more unique or special can all be fed by this Glee Grasping. Some days it’s just a relief to be seen. Since our mind typically wanders into self-criticism so easily and for more of the day than we would like, it can feel really good when we are noticed or seen positively. There’s nothing wrong with that. The tricky part is what we do with that compliment and how we can misuse it.

The third choice above is what Don Miguel is asking that we do - that we stay neutral, regardless of what another says or does. If we are steady and sturdy in who we are, there’s no need to take on the reflection from another to determine that. If our strength is based on Love, especially self-love, we are free. We are free from the complications and dependency on others to create our identity and our worth. We can trust ourselves to live strong no matter what the circumstance, love ourselves and others as they are, and make responsible choices in how we live and act in this world.

Please share your comments, questions, ideas, reflections, etc.

Peace to All!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

Continuing on with our review and discussion of The Four Agreements, Don Miguel says that “personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’ ”. Given how much ‘me’ is central to our thought patterns, actions, and energy consumption, it’s natural for us to walk around thinking that others are as thought-provoked about us as we are. We see ourselves as central... why wouldn’t they?!? Talk about ego-centric humanity!! :)

Busting the Dream, people are mostly involved in thoughts of themselves - same as we are. It goes to follow, then, that rarely what another does or says is truly because of us. At the root is their own needs, wants, and desires - to support, serve, escape pain and suffering, control their circumstance, etc. We are all driven by a selfish nature of sorts, needed to survive and create our life as we wish it to be. In order to create our life, no matter what that looks like, we need to be in central focus.

When we take things personally, we agree with what the other person is saying. We give up our personal power to their views, to their experience, to how they see the world. When we take things personally, it’s an indication that another has triggered a self-doubt in us. If we truly didn’t believe, we wouldn’t pay attention.

For example, perhaps we’ve been working on being more open and sensitive to other’s views. If someone is curt with us and using defensive body language, our sensitivity may be triggered. Even though in reality this person just got out of a lousy meeting and was still perturbed, we take their tone and posture as something we generated. Our inability to be “open and sensitive” sparked this reaction in them. Its our fault. This is what we think - WRONG!

When we can be clear and solid within ourselves, this won’t happen. We’ll know it’s not us. We’ve been working hard and have awareness of ourselves, know that we’ve doing the right thing, making sure to check in with tone, phrasing, posture, etc. We can then let the engaged experience be as it is and not transfer another’s challenges to our psyche.

Stepping back and remembering that what another is doing or saying has nothing to do with us gives is the power to reframe our view of their actions. We can see that their unskillfulness is only an expression of their attempt to resolve their uncomfortableness. We are all unskillful at times, heated in the moment, or too frazzled to handle thing as we would prefer. Wouldn’t it be nice if the person on the receiving end didn’t take our moments of unskillfulness personally? We can offer the same thing and, in the process, help ourselves and our relationship with them.

This Second Agreement is a great reminder that we are in control of what impacts us. We can own our experiences. We are in charge.  Remember we are all mirrors... others are no different. Don’t take on their mirror. Don’t take it personally.

What are some of the ways that you take things personally?  Can you share situations that created suffering and that you’ve later discovered you interpreted completely wrong? How did this change you future view of situations?
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Stay in Peace!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

There are a lot of emotions, drama, and trauma that can be attached to words. With each person having their own history of what certain words mean or how they can activate emotional triggers, it can be a tricky situation to have a clear conversation. Things can get muddled pretty easily. And, as our intention in having dialogue is to express our point of view, it’s easy to understand why communication can sometimes be challenging.

There’s a hidden component within ‘impeccability of words’ - to do our very best to communicate in a way that can be heard and understood... skillful communication. There are only a few communication classes offered - and the ones most of use have attended have been free and at home. In the cycle of learning, how well were our teachers taught?

For clear and competent communication, we need to be present, calm, and attentive. In the best of situations, both parties are. In my Buddhist tradition, Mindful Deep Listening and Loving Speech are important aspects of clear communication (more on Peace Practice page, scroll down to Communication)

Listening with our whole body - all of our senses, all aspects of our attention - and not thinking of what we will say next or when the right time to interject our rationale are all part of Deep Listening. We listen to learn, to understand, to offer the space for others to communicate from their heart. Even if we do not agree with the person or what they are saying, Deep Listening promotes understanding and compassion. This helps to know more fully their situation and circumstance, breaking down the barriers that create discrimination and separation.

Loving Speech is talking by using “I” statements and expressing only our experience. We do not comment on what the other person has “done to us” but instead share our personal experience. We are honest and fair in our communication, sharing with the intention of creating healthy relationship. Loving Speech arrives from contemplation of how we are feeling, the conditions that arose to produce those feelings, and a reflection of how we reacted or responded.

In all of this, it’s important to take responsibility for what we say, don’t say, how we say it. Always coming back to our intention is important, especially when the energy seems to be getting heated or excited, when we are getting lost in thought of what’s next, or directing too heavily towards our agenda. Healthy communication requires patience, peace, and mindful awareness of the impact to all. It requires openness, solidity, insight, and personal responsibility.

Bidding all of you peace and healthy, authentic communication today.
Peace!!
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

In the First Agreement, Don Miguel instructs us to be “impeccable” with our words. What does that mean? A few definitions from Dictionary.com are “faultless; flawless; irreproachable, not capable of sin”. I would add as well “honest, truthful, clear without agenda”. How often do any of those really represent our communication?

Usually our words are a means to an end - trying to get something we need, reorganizing perception, influencing another, etc. Our need to control our circumstance (and thus those around us), to blame, shame, judge, or label, are all exhibited with words. Master Manipulators, those that twist everything into something different for their own benefit, are experts at word misuse and abuse. Creating chaos, confusion, and separation are easy for them. And I’m not just talking in your local neighborly relations... look at government entities around the world.

On a more essential level, though, Don Miguel is asking us to look deeply at ourselves and to realize that our essence is mirrored in our communication. How much we love or hate ourselves, our intention of Self, is reflected back when we interact with others. Impeccability is taking responsibility for our actions and understanding that it is not simply words or a message that we are conveying when we speak, but who we are, at least in that moment. Impeccability is knowing, with action, that what we put out is a direct inner reflection.

If I call you ugly, while your feelings may be hurt with those words, I am actually hurting myself even more because I am infused with the negative energy of the negative words. My body and brain feel twisted, consumed by ugliness, spite, hatred, despise. My words reflect me. Likewise, if I tell you that you are beautiful, I am infusing the energy of that beauty. It feels good. I feel good. I feel light, warm, joyful, and fresh.

Take a moment to reflect on how you feel when expressing yourself negatively and positively. Do you notice a direct relationship to who and how you are in that moment?

As for the person on the receiving end of our communication, it is up to them to be impacted, to take our words as truth. We only have an impact if they take our word as truth and allow that impact to happen. If they love themselves and think they are beautiful, you calling them ugly will do no harm. They know it’s not true so will not be impacted by your words. It’s important to take responsibility for what we believe and to decide whether there is truth and core honesty in our belief systems. If what we see doesn't work, it’s up to us to start believing new things that support us and make us feel whole.

Being impeccable with words is the correct use of your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself. If we love ourselves, why speak words that create suffering or disharmony? And why take on someone else’s poison by listening and believing what they have to say about us? Do we really think that others know us better than ourselves? Do we value what others have to say more than we value ourselves?

Self-love is the basis for happiness anywhere in the world. If we can not love ourselves, we can love no other. We must respect and nurture the wonderful Being that we are, wherever we are on our Path. Make your life judgment-less, starting with your own mirror.

Much Peace and Gratitude,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

The First Agreement, “Be Impeccable With Your Word”, is a very important and powerful Agreement. There are a few components to this Agreement so, as we move through this week, we’ll look at them.

Words are a gift that only humans have. While other life forms may communicate, we are the only species with the ability to speak. We even have the ability to go further by developing new words (how many are added to the dictionary every year?) and new languages. Pretty impressive.

Through words we express and transmit our truth. Through words we create relationship. Pretty powerful!!

We all know the power of the words. Even one word can change a life - for the positive or negative. Words can uplift someone who is down, create beauty from chaos, provide inspiration, spark confidence, and be an integral part of manifesting our highest goals. There is energy with words. They are power-packed! But how many times have we spoken out of turn, wished we could take words back, threw verbal daggers at another because we were momentarily angry or fearful?

We all have the situation of someone saying something to us that changed at least a part of our life. I have many... many that I carried with me for too long. The unfortunate in this is that many of these words were spoken by those closest to me, the ones that were meant to protect and love me. Cutting right through my heart, some had the ability to completely change my perception of myself - which took me decades to recover from. To this day, the recollection of a few key careless words can still create a heaviness in my heart. I also find that these words changed my relationship with this person, that after all these years and all my work, I still don’t fully trust what this person says to me. I am on guard when we speak and find myself overly sensitive to everything that is said to me. The feeling of not being truly seen and heard reverberates in our relationship. It can feel sad.

This isn’t to say that others are the only ones that have created pain and suffering with words. I’m positive I can join their ranks of being unskillful. For ALL that I’ve caused suffering, I am deeply sorry and regretful.

One important aspect when we look at this Agreement is to keep in mind our intention. Intention plays an important part in communication and how words are transmitted. Our body will follow our heart-mind and our actions will support our intention. With awareness of our communication, we will be able to check in and make sure that our messaging follows our intention. If we intend to speak with love and caring, with an open heart, this is much easier to gauge. If we are in a flurry of anger or anxiety, we can no longer judge what we are doing. Often times in this situation we don’t even realize our intention as we are filled with drama and trauma. Our stress factor has taken over and our ability to self-evaluate is severely diminished. So, the teaching with stress is to STOP and BREATHE before we do anything else.

What action do your words create? What impact have words had in your life? Reflect on this over the next few days and, if you are comfortable, share here. Keep the innocent innocent but take a look at what is said and the impacts produced. Can we speak from a place of Love? Can we stop to reflect on intention before we speak?

In Gratitude and Much Peace,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007

September has always been an exciting month. So much change is in the air, from back to school and routine to the ever-changing landscape of nature. It’s the perfect time to deepen our practice of Self and to let transformation take shape.

I recently picked up Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements, re-reading it after many years, and thought it would be fantastic if we could share it in community. If nothing else, creating conversation would help my personal integration of the teachings so thank you in advance. I believe that true transformation doesn’t happen in isolation. While only WE can change ourselves, we need that reflective and integrative experience to have transformation come alive.

So you are officially invited to explore with us the Truths shared by Don Miguel in this book. Share your insights, experiences, thoughts, and questions - as a personal reflective practice and also so that others may learn and grow in kind. I’ll post an Agreement weekly, hopefully providing enough explanation so we can understand it and create conversation. There’s no need to get the book (although I know several of you already have it) but I’m sure your local library has copies or you can message me on how to get cash back if you decide to purchase. It’s easy to post your comments here in the blog so please do so. And also feel free to share with others.


As beginning background, Don Miguel, in his own way, talks about inter-being; that we are all inter-connected on the deepest level of pure existence. There is no separation between anything... we are all Light and Love. What we have done, however, is forgotten this as our minds have been trapped in the false Dream of misperceptions, misguided belief systems, and a collective unconsciousness. Through the process of our humanity, rules of engagement have created the Dream of the planet, of society, and of the family. Belief systems on how to act, talk, dress, speak, interpret and understand, work, and live have created system structures that have blocked awareness to Original Truth.

Our life has evolved through the filters of society’s collective unconsciousness. As a baby, our attention is directed to what our personal society believes. At a very young age, this is our family, which itself represents the larger society. From our ancestors we are transmitted the definitions of ”right and wrong”, “true and false”, and all sorts of other ways of being. Our capacity to develop true individuality is thwarted by the designs of our social environment. Rules and concepts about how to behave and what to believe in the world are governed from the external. We take them in as internal truths.

Not sure? Take a moment to think about some of your belief systems and how they arrived from your own upbringing. For instance, what defines success, what is the importance of money, how long do we breast feed, what do we eat for dinner? Reflect on the cultural diversity that exists in this world and the ‘programming’ that each person experienced to arrive at that belief. Who we call terrorists are really only those that don’t believe as we do... likewise we may be terrorists in their eyes. We only know what we are taught and our teachers only teach what they were taught. Where is the opportunity to choose what to believe and what not to believe? It’s an extraordinarily long lineage!!

These belief systems are referred to agreements. We’ve ‘agreed’ that they are true, even though (as Don Miguel quotes) 95% of these beliefs are false. As we wake up and try to gain our own ground, we are faced with not fitting in, not being accepted, being questioned at each turn about a different way of being that we may exhibit. Fear is a big motivator in our personal change process and, not only do we engage with the external pressures of compliance, we are our best opponent. Humans are the only life force on the planet that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. In our mind, we beat ourselves up for all the ways we don’t live up to our definition of ‘perfection’ (developed from misguided and distorted belief systems), for all the things we did or said wrong, all the ways we faltered, etc. Then we transfer this into relationship with others which continues the cycle.

The Four Agreements are very powerful. Like so many of the ancient wisdoms, they are simple but not easy. Working with them will help to break the cycles of separation and return us to knowing that we are all One, that we are in deep relationship with one another, and that we have the ability to authentically honor ourselves and others in each moment. They are based upon ancient Toltec teachings and, like the Buddha’s path, help us to establish perseverance, strength, awareness, and freedom in the face of suffering. Withe them we come to be in charge of our experience and are also gifted with the wonderful opportunity to create peace and awareness for others, awakening the collective consciousness.

So stay tuned for the First Agreement... coming your way shortly.

In Gratitude and Peace,
Shanti

Shanti Douglas
Mindfulness & Stress Management Coach
Shanti@8limbsHolisticHealth.com
603.228.9007